This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
