she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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