If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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