chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
