so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
