so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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