It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
