Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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