I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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