There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
