He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
