if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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