i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My vagina is officially offended.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
