Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
