you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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