I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
