the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
