my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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