I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
