Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
