I think I won the penis lottery.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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