if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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