at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
