I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
