somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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