Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
