I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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