Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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