Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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