im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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