My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
