i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
