Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
