I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
