I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Randomize
