i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
