Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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