so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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