I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
