They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We need a shit load of segways right now
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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