The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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