I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
