There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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