our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
