2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
zippers are such a cool invention
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
