This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
