I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
