dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sober January is a disaster.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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