My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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