Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
