I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
